he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Randomize
