id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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