she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
