According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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