How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
