just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
