At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm getting married
To pizza
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
