Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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