cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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