I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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