I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Randomize
