True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
