How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
