I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
