you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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