that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
