You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
