sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
