He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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