He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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