i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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