You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
