My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
we're making bets on your personal life
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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