I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
