That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
