I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
