no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Vodka?
Forever.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
