R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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