Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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