dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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