I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
