whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
