Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
