Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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