so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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