Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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