3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Your shirt... Was in my pants
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
