we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
