The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
