i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
