I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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