You just made me feel so damn special
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We were destined to go to rehab together
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
