new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
