How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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