i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You are the jesus of drinking
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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