I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
