Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
