i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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