why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
