Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
