Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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