my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
